Misery
by WriterKos
Summary: Abby is forced to review her actions and accept the consequences of them. Companion piece to Honor Bound. Probably won't make any sense if read as a stand alone. Part of the Joy Buchanan series.


_**Misery **_– Abby is forced to review her actions and accept the consequences of them. Companion piece to **_Honor Bound_**. Probably won't make any sense if read as a stand alone.

_What hurts the most  
Was being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was tryin' to do_

_It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go_  
_But I'm doin' It_  
_It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone_  
_Still Harder_  
_Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret_  
_But I know if I could do it over_  
_I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart_  
_That I left unspoken_

**_Rascal Flatts – What hurts the most_**

_It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all_**. ****_Samuel Butler_ **(1835 - 1902), _The Way of All Flesh, Chapter 77_

Gibbs enters the lab with a Caff Pow in his hand and stops. There is no music coming from the CD player**, **the equipment is all on, the computer running one of its facial recognition programs, but there is no happy goth jumping at some strange rhythm before them.

"Abby," he calls her.

"Go away, Gibbs," says Abby softly, from the inner lab.

Gibbs leaves the fizzy drink on the counter, and walks to the next door. It swishes open, and he finds his goth lab forensic specialist sitting on the floor, in the hidden corner of the room, hugging her legs tight to her chest.

There are traces of tears on her face, as the black lines running on her pale skin show, but she is beyond tears now, only a heavy cloud of misery hangs above her.

Gibbs sigh, and goes to his girl. He leans against the wall and slowly slides against it, mimicking her position on the floor, despite the protest of his knees.

"I lost him, Gibbs," she whispers.

Gibbs stays silent.

"I really screwed up this time." She sighs, and tries to clean the wetness off her face, just making an even bigger mess of it. "I always thought that he would always be there for me, just there, you know, if I ever needed him all I needed was just…"

"You couldn't expect him to wait for you forever, Abs," says Gibbs sadly. _God, that's why we have rule 12_, he thinks. He hates to see his favorite girl sad like that.

He had been aware of the incipient romance between his younger agent and the happy goth, and never really interfered, just reminded them of rule twelve. They grew apart, but still stayed friends, but he had noticed how McGee had carried a torch for the goth for several years, silently simmering under the pretence of friendship.

Abby milked it in every way she could, asking him to do things for her that she knew would result in trouble for McGee, but asked them just because she could and because she knew that, all she had to do is blink her eyes at him and he would, as the gentleman he was thought to be, run to do it for her.

He tried dating other women, but it somehow never worked out, and he always bounced back to his torch for Abby. But Abby wasn't ready for the type of relationship, the type of all or nothing commitment that McGee wanted, so she held him close, but at arm's length.

But the torch was now dead, erased from his mind by the raging emotional fire that was his relationship with Buchanan.

Gibbs wasn't blind neither an idiot. He had seen the lingering touches and looks McGee and Buchanan exchanged, and noticed how, even though she acted as a cold person towards the other members of the team, she had a certain tenderness and patience with McGee that he couldn't deny bespoke of much more than a work partnership.

But Buchanan was too much of a good professional to let her personal relationships interfere with work, and imposed the same rule with McGee, who, despite a few lingering looks, never mentioned or even inferred a romantic relationship between them.

When he cornered McGee in the elevator, he didn't deny the relationship, but he didn't confess it either. According to McGee, they were in limbo, together but not together, and until they reached a definition he couldn't really explain things to Gibbs.

But what was the most incredible thing between the two agents was that they trusted each other implicitly. According to McGee, Buchanan was a very distrustful person, but she still somehow put down her barriers and accepted McGee in a way he felt humbled every single day. And McGee, after working for years feeling as if he was only the comic relief of the team, was basking in the total attention of a senior agent who valued him as he was.

But that put a twist on the dynamics of the team, as the careful balance in the relationship between the geek and the goth was disrupted by this new player. McGee was too much of a gentleman to say anything to both women, and he was also too excited by the new developments to notice the tension in the air.

Buchanan walked on eggshells every time she was in Abby's presence, as the goth did nothing to hide her distaste for and her mistrust towards the new agent. She only spoke whatever was related to the case, and Abby never included the agent in the invitations for team nights or movie nights.

After a while, McGee stopped coming to the movie nights too, allegedly to refresh for the following morning. But everyone knew it was to stay with his partner, who hadn't been invited by Abby.

Gibbs could feel his team's seams coming apart, and had no idea how to fix it. If he didn't find some way to mend it, the fissure will become too big to be fixed later.

But now he had a goth to comfort. He put his hand around her shoulders and brought her frail shoulders to his chest.

"Abs," he murmurs against her dark hair, "when I left Paris, I felt my life as I knew it was over," Abby leans back and looks at Gibbs, as he never mentions his private life without a good reason, "being left by Jenny," he closes his eyes, "without a goodbye, without a clue why she left me, hurt."

Abby looks at Gibbs and sees the pain lines on his face, "you really loved her, didn't you?"

"I did," he murmurs and looks at Abby, "and seeing her again years later, as my boss, as the Director of NCIS hurt even more, as I knew then that whatever we had, there was no turning back, regardless of how much we wanted," he shook his head in negative, "no, needed it."

"Have you ever talked to her about it? About the past?" Abby wants to know, curious about the strange pair Jenny and Gibbs made back in the day.

"We never spoke of the past. Because we knew that the feelings lingered but our time, the decisive moment to take action and do something, was past." Gibbs is lost in his memories for a moment, shakes his head and turns his serious stare to the goth, "there is this moment, this defining moment that you have to make a decision, either to stay or go, and once the moment is gone, there is no turning back."

Abby is lost in thought, thinking back on the past and remembering events between her and McGee, and her face takes on a stricken look, "I lost it, didn't I? I lost my chance, the moment is gone."

Gibbs nods, "He belongs to Buchanan now."

Abby hides her face in Gibbs neck and wets his shirt with her tears, "he might still have feelings for you, but you two will never go back to where you were, because now he has something much more overwhelming to deal with. He has someone whose total focus and attention is him, and he is basking in it. He will never accept the game and the half-said words you two had before, because he is the center of someone else's world. And he likes being that."

Abby's shoulders are shaking with tears.

"Someone said once that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. But they never mentioned how painful it is to learn to live again after the loss," murmurs Gibbs.

They hug, and wait for the tears to end.

the end.

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